Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
he thought i was a dude.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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