i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
