dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
