True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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