The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
