I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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