I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Randomize
