I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
