i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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