Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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