it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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