she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
i think i just lost a toe
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
