I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
