I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Randomize
