Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
