You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
