my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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