halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
