im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
