the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
