Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
The uberlube is also flammable
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
