I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
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