update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Randomize
