Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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