I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
