I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
