woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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