What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
