I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
