I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
