i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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