Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
