i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
We need to get me chipped asap
i believe in u and ur pee
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
