Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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