I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
