you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
