My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
