I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
