U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
