I looked at my own cervix.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
