hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
