I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
