I cockslap morals
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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