my mouth tastes like poor choices
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
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He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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