Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I believe in your delicious
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
