He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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