You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
