i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
