somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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