I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
