Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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