i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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