I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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