please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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