im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
