So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
